You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area You have even saved the power cord from a broken appliance You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts You know what actually stands for. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. We were soooooo poor, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick the other kid's fingers. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. I used to think that the whole world was against me.
- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Could you be arrested for selling 'illegal-sized' paper? I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. (Said with a very dull voice) If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. - If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late? A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. - People are always available for work in the past tense.